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Jokes from Guyana





Songs of the Caribbean

THE VACUUM CLEANER SALESMAN

A little old lady in Kingston answered her doorbell, only to be confronted by an eager young man displaying a shiny new vacuum cleaner.  "Good morning lady' said the young man. “May I demonstrate the greatest and latest vacuum cleaner to come out of the United States. There’s nothing like it.' The old lady replied, “Go away! I'm broke and don’t have any money!'' Before she could close the door, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open. “Not so fast, lady. Give me a chance to show you the demonstration.'' While saying that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her carpet.  ''Now, watch me remove every trace of this manure from your carpet, lady. If this vacuum cleaner does not do the job, I will eat up what’s left myself.'' The old lady turned around and went into the house, saying, “Then I’ll get a knife and fork for you, because they disconnected my electricity today."


YOU REMIND ME

Jack: "Every time I see you I remember Danny."

Sam: "I don't look like he, no way. Why you got to remember that bum?"

Jack: "He too owe me money."


READING AND WRITING

They were booking in Nedd at the prison in Barbados.

Prison Officer: "Can you read and write?"

Nedd: "I can write, not read."

Prison Officer (pausing): "Write your name here, then."

The prisoner made a scrawl the prison officer could not make out.

Prison Officer: "What's that?"

Nedd: "I don't know."

Prison Officer: "What do you mean you don't know?"

Nedd: "Officer I told you I can write, but I can't read."


LOOKING FOR A HAT

Mrs. Henry wanted to add a hat to her famous wardrobe.

She said to the clerk "I want to try that one there."

"Sorry, ma'am," said the clerk, "that's a lampshade."


SETTLING THE MATTER


A husband and wife were always arguing about who should brew the coffee each morning. 

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee". 

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."  Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." 

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me." 

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says... "HEBREWS"


USEFUL VOICE

Maisie was a diligent student. She wanted to sing opera internationally someday. Professor Martin was her voice teacher.

Maisie: Professor, do you think I'd be able to do anything with my voice?

Professor: Well, it could be useful for calling a taxi .... or, in case of a fire, or any other urgent situation.


I HAD A DREAM

Marlene: I had a great dream last night, my love. I dreamed that it was our wedding anniversary and you gave me two keys and told me to look out the window. And wow! I saw the coolest Bimmer in the whole of Jamaica ..... in my favorite car color ... silver. And I know you won't spoil my dream, Paul.

Paul: No way! You can keep the car.


SPECIAL MEETING

Janet: Why didn't you come to the last party meeting?

Elizabeth: Come on Jan, you should have told me it was the last party meeting. I would have been glad to be there.


REALLY BLIND

Sammy always complained when his wife Mavis gave money to the countless blind beggars in the neighborhood. He kept telling her that they were liars and cheats and only pretended to be blind.

Her actions upset him so much he started screaming at her every time she gave money to a beggar, especially a blind one. She, on the other hand, seemed to enjoy seeing him mad and would give money to any beggar who stretched out his hand, especially a blind one.

One day, when she expected him to scream at her once more, he was silent. Disappointed, she asked him why he said nothing. Sammy said this beggar was OK. Mavis wanted to know what he meant. Sammy repeated that this beggar was OK, he was really blind. Mavis asked him how he knew. He insisted that he just knew. Mavis insisted that he explain.

Sammy said, "The man is blind. You heard what he said!

Mavis said: "He said thanks."

Sammy said: "He said 'Thank you, beautiful.'" 


NOT ATTENDING 

Joe: Charlie's funeral is tomorrow. Going?

Jack: Ah don't think so.

Joe: Why not? Come on!

Jack: Ah jus' don't feel I want to go.

Joe: You behavin' strange, Jack. Charlie was our friend.

Jack: Don't stress me man! He ain't going to come to my funeral.


THE CHURCH GOSSIP

Mabel, the church gossip and  self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose  into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of  her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made  a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an  alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's  only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone  seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.

George, a man of few  words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.  Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mabel's  house and left it there all  night.


A BARGAIN

A young Jamaican man walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Jamaica on a vacation for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Jamaican man handed over the keys to a new BMW 740i. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Jamaican produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.  

 

The bank's president and its officers all enjoed a good laugh at the

Jamaican for using a $80,000 BMW as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the BMW into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later, the Jamaican man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.


The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a successful business man. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Jamaican replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

 

The bank employees watch as he pulled out of the garage, windows down and sunroof open. The music was blasting from his car as he pulled away, "We run things, things no run we, everything we do, it done properly."

 

SEE? NOTHING'S WRONG WITH ME

Harry went to see a psychiatrist because his relatives kept insisting on it. "Well, how can I help you?" asked the psychiatrist.

 "Well, doctor, everybody want me to see you. They say something wrong wid me."

"Why?" the doctor asked.

"Because I like cotton socks."

"I don't get it. I love cotton socks as well."

"Great! You see? How you like your socks Doc? wid mayonnaise or wid oil?"


MISS BIG AND THE DOCTOR

People called her Miss Big and she knew it even though they never addressed her this way face-to-face. She was so worried about her weight, she went to see her doctor.

"Let's talk about your diet," said the doctor. "How much do you eat?"

"Well, I eat regular meals," she replied. "But you know, Doctor, I think it's the family I have that is the problem. I have a husband and five children, and my parents live with me too. They never eat all the food I cook for them, and I end up eating all the food they leave. I hate to see good food go to waste."

"I think you're right," said the doctor. "That's got to be your problem. I suggest that you get yourself a pig."

"What? Doctor, you really want me to eat after the pig too?" asked Miss Big.


NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS


INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES


LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF


OLD SCHOOL PILLARS ARE REPLACED BY ALUMNI


THE PRICE OF GENEROSITY

Lucy blurted out: "My keys! My keys! I can't find them. I really believe I am losing my mind."

Her husband looked up from his newspaper and said: "I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"


PRINTED ON THE BOTTOM

A four-year-old boy in Kingston, Jamaica had just come home after going with his father to see a new litter of puppies at a neighbor's home. The boy promptly announced to his mother that they were three boy puppies and one girl puppy.

"How could you tell that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom.


DOUBLING UP


At the Christian Bible college in the West Indies, food was often just so-so and very predictable. Sam, at college for the second year, was therefore quite surprised when he saw tasty-looking pieces of cake on display at the cafeteria. They were somewhat unevenly cut, so he took care to choose the largest piece available.

Joe, the cafeteria assistant, noticed the sparkle in Sam's eye as he loaded the cake on to his plate, and asked him if he would like to have two pieces. Quickly, Sam said yes. And Joe leaned over, positioned the piece Sam had on his plate, and neatly cut it in two.


MAKING SURE


Two men were stoning a mango tree, trying to hit down a large mango at the very top. One of them stopped to say to the other: "All the stone we ah stone, suppose de mango no ripe?"

"True," replied his friend, "Check it out nuh."

The first man then climbed the tree all the way to the top where the branches were dangerously slender, reached out and carefully felt the mango, then came back down.

"It ripe," he announced to his buddy. "We nah fling fi nutten."

Then they began to stone the mango tree again.


TOILET TALK


I had just rushed in from the street to my posh Jamaican hotel, but paused to attend to some urgent business in the restroom before going up to my own room. I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too

bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, mostly business!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear

another question.

"Can I come over to your place?"

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite

and end the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over, so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"

(Submitted by Fred Mac. Thanks!!!)


THUS FAR, NO FURTHER


A prosecuting attorney in Barbados called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me?

"She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Ms. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called both

counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If

either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for

contempt!"


PLEA FOR HEARING


Mac went to revival meeting and listened attentively to the preacher. Towards the end of the meeting, the preacher invited anyone who needed prayer to come to  the altar.


When Mac went up, the preacher wanted to know what concern he wanted lifted up in prayer. Mac said: "Please pray for my hearing."


The preacher moved closer to Mac, put a finger in Mac's ear and the free hand on Mac's head." The preacher prayed and prayed and prayed.


When he was done, he took up his towel, wiped his brow, sipped some water and approached Mac. "How is your hearing now?" he asked.


"I don't know, Reverend," he replied. "It starts on Wednesday!"


 


QUICK ACTION NEEDED


A Polish lad married a Barbadian girl after he had been in Barbados a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:


LAWYER: Have you any grounds?

POLE: Ja, Ja, an acre and half.

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?

POLE: No, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?

POLE: No, she white.

LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?

POLE: She going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?

POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?

POLE: She got bottle from drug store, and put on shelf in bathroom. I  read - it said "Polish Remover."


VERY OBEDIENT


Cousin Harry was coming to New York from Country X. He had never traveled by air before and his relatives who gathered at the airport to greet him expected to be regaled with great stories about the experience as Cousin Harry was a great talker.

Imagine their consternation when they saw Cousin Harry come off the plane in a state of undress, his pants practically down to his ankles, his underpants exposed for all to see.

They were embarrassed. They immediately surrounded him and tried to make him look as neat as possible, all the while asking him why he was in that condition.

He soon explained it. The flight attendant was responsible. He only did what she said because he didn't want to cause any trouble on his very first flight. She kept saying "Buckle up" and "Unbuckle" and he did it every time. The last thing she said before he got off  was "Unbuckle."


VERY GOOD STUFF


Families were invited to show off their skills at the school fair by exhibiting items made in the home by any member of the family. Harry, whose son attended the school, took photographs he had expertly captured on film. Maisie, whose contribution was some excellent food, took some time to look at Harry's photographs commented: "Wow! You must have a great camera!"

Harry later visited the corner in which she had her food laid out, tasted it, took a little more, then said to the proud Maisie: "This food is delicious! You must have some excellent pots!"


NEWSPAPER HEADLINES


DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE 


STEALS CLOCK, FACES TIME 

ARSON SUSPECT IS HELD IN MASSACHUSETTS FIRE


RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE


TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD



WRITING THE WRONG


She was a well-known and respected nun in Trinidad. Everyone called her Sister Mary. However, now that she was on holiday in Jamaica she found herself treated with suspicion and even disrespect. This caused her a great deal of distress as almost everywhere she went before nuns were treated well - at the very least, as ladies.

Then she discovered that the description of her profession which survived in most documents people saw was what the immigration officer wrote down at the airport: None.


INTRODUCTIONS


The game warden came upon a man with a hunting gun in the mountains in upstate New York.

"This is a great place for hunting, don't you think?" the warden said to the man with the gun.

"You tellin' me?" asked the hunter. "Yesterday I killed the biggest deer in mi life ..... two hundred and fifty pounds."

"Deer are out of season now," the game warden said looking him in the eye. "Do you know that you're talking to the game warden?"

"No," said the hunter. "And a bet you don't know you are talking to the champion liar from San Fernando, Trinidad."


THE PATIENT JAMAICAN


An Italian, a Frenchman and a Jamaican were about to be executed and were asked to place their request for their last meal. The Italian requested pepperoni pizza, which he promptly devoured and was then led away to the execution chamber. The Frenchman then requested filet mignon, which he ate slowly and was then led away to the execution chamber. The Jamaican's turn was next. He told the warden that  his request was a plate of fresh strawberries. The warden asked in disbelief, "Strawberries?"  The Jamaican said," yes, fresh strawberries." The warden replied,"But strawberries are out of season!" "Soooh?" the Jamaican replied. " I man gine wait."


SORRY, MOM


Mom:  John, I left two bakes in that bowl last night. How come only one is there now?

John:  I think it must have been so dark, I didn't see the other one.


CARIBBEAN UNITY


A California Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the Guyanese driver that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 US in the state safety competition.

What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I gun get a driver's licence," he answered with pride and jubilation.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the Trinidadian woman in the passenger's seat. "He real schupity when he drunk."

This commotion woke up the Bajan guy in the back seat. He took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we ain' gon' get far in no tiefin car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice asked, "I man mek it krass the barder yet.?!"



GUESTS ARE IMPORTANT


Maxie was lying in his deathbed upstairs, when the smell of fresh coffee made its way to his nostrils from the kitchen downstairs. Maxie was a coffee lover and this rich blend was his favorite. He was so determined to have one last cup before his fast approaching death that he laboriously dragged himself  down the stairs, resting and breathing heavily after every step of the way. He sat on the floor of the kitchen in beads of perspiration. It was clear to him that Pansy was preparing for the wake, as the doctor had given him just hours to live. He thought he could muster the energy to stand and reach the coffee pot, and after five attempts he did. He was just about to clutch the handle when Pansy appeared and moved it away saying, "Come on, Maxie, what are we going to give the guests?"


WHAT'S IN A NAME?


The policeman on a new motorcycle chased down the motorist speeding on Frederick Street in Port of Spain, Trinidad and made him pull over.

"You’ve got to be crazy driving like that on this busy street," said the indignant policeman, taking out his book and uncapping his pen. "What is your name?"

"Maximillian Nebuchadnezzar Telemarchus, officer," replied the man.

"Well, ….. don’t let me catch you speeding again," said the officer, recapping his pen and closing his book.


Sunday School Teacher: "And what do we learn from the    story  of Jonah and whale?

Little Lydia: "We learn that people make whales sick.


Said the angry boy: "Ah wish all his teeth would fall out ... no, not all  ..... all except one. And that one must get a real bad toothache."


NEWSPAPER HEADLINES


SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS


IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS


NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP


SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM



DUMB BROTHER


Tessa was injured in a car accident and fell into a deep coma. After six months she woke up and found that she was no longer pregnant. Naturally, she asked the doctor to tell her what happened to her baby.

The doctor replied, "Well, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

Tessa became anxious as she didn’t think her brother was very smart.

Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "So what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," said the doctor. Tessa began to feel a little guilty about how she thought about her brother.

"Not bad,” she said. “I like the name Denise.”

She then asked the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replied, "Denephew."


"Me roof migrated without a visa." (From "Wild Gilbert", a calypso on Hurricane Gilbert by Jamaica's Lloyd Lovindeer.)


Boysie: Ah hear Vernon upset real bad. He expensive rottweiler got killed.

Maxie: Yeah man. In a fight with a chihuahua.

Boysie: What kind of stupid joke is that?

Maxie: No joke, man. The chihuahua got stuck in he throat.


Teacher: Sammy, I want you to make one sentence with the words "defense", "defeat", and "detail."

Sammy: The cow jumped over de fence, de feet first, and de tail last.


Teacher: The next word is unaware. Your turn Charlie. Give the meaning of unaware.

Charlie: Well ...it's the thing you put on first, and take off last.


Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Amos.

Amos who?

A mosquito.


JohnJohn:  I mek sure I get up on the right side ah de bed every morning.

Sammy: Yeah right .... saint.

JohnJohn: Yeah, ah try me best yes. But is more like wisdom. The left side of the bed is right up against the wall.


Teacher: Where was the Treaty of Chaguaramas signed?

Josie:  At the bottom.


Sports Organizer: Which of our games are you interested in?

Jamaican Teen:  I come for de ackee.


Mary had a little watch

She swallowed it one day

Now she's taking senna leaves                    (laxatives)

To pass the time away.


Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Antiguan.

Antiguan who?

Antiguan to market.


Boysie was a Guyanese with a serious problem. So he called his family together and asked them what they thought of it. He explained, "When ah press mi stomach with mi finger, it hurt mi. When ah press mi face, the pain real bad. When ah press mi forehead is murda. This problem like is all ova mi." The family tried to help, but gave up and said he should see a  doctor. At the Georgetown Hospital the doctor said, "We'll get that fixed right away. You have a broken finger."


It was clear that this European guy read a lot about Trinidad and he was telling some visitors like himself about the various things he knew. Lisa was impressed. When her husband, Steve, started talking about a great Trinidadian Prime Minister named Eric Williams, Lisa spotted a discrepancy. "Isn't the name Eric Villiams?" she asked. "No, Williams, I think," Steve said.  To settle the matter, Lisa insisted on calling in the expert. "Positively, Villiams" the expert said. Lisa triumphantly asked Steve "Are you satisfied now?" then went on to thank the expert for his time. "You're velly velcome", said the expert graciously.


At Kensington Oval, a young woman at her first cricket match said how impressed  she was with the bowler. He seemed to hit the bat almost every time.




CARIBBEAN HUMOR